The people who sort out the TV listings for the channels we love must hate Christmas. Why else would they punish us with films we’ve seen countless times. Films we know all the words too. Films we already have on DVD.
It’s always the same thing isn’t it. But it wouldn’t be Christmas without those films we love to hate. So here’s 12 films they show on Christmas every year. Will you be watching?
1. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Empire. ITV, 2pm. 21 December
Do ITV own this film?! Not a year goes by without the Mummy on their channel. We don’t want it any more guys. Please stop. And what’s even worse is that they’ve put it on ITV2 on Christmas day in case anybody misses it. *sigh*
2. A Christmas Carol, Ch5, 8pm. 21 December
This is the 1999 version, starring Patrick Stewart (The one from X-Men). I’ve watched around 40 different versions of the film. You can make all the characters black, animate it, I don’t care. It’s still the same story!
3. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, ITV, 6.30pm. 21 December
I don’t mind the Harry Potter films. But this one’s like 4 hours long. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
4.George of the Jungle, BBC1, 11am. 22 December
Umm Brendan Fraser? Isn’t that the guy from The Mummy? Can we just ban him from British TV please?
5. Jurrassic Park 2: The Lost World, ITV2 2.55pm. 22 December
Because we all want to spend the Christmas holidays having nightmares about violent, human eating dinosaurs. 2.55 in the afternoon is not an appropriate time for this film ITV…
6. Toy Story, BBC1, 3.15pm. 23 December
Yaay, Toy Story for the 100th time. It still makes me cry. And they’re showing all the other Toy Story’s too!
7. Scrooge-A Christmas Carol, Ch5, 5.10pm. 24 December
You can’t slightly alter the name of A Christmas Carol and expect us to think it’s something different! Shame on you
8.Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Ch4, 6.15pm. 25 December
It wouldn’t be Christmas without one of the Home Alone films. Except for Home Alone 3. That doesn’t count.
9. Bridget Jones’s Diary, ITV, 9.35pm. 27 December
There’s a law which states that one channel must host a Bridget Jones film every Christmas. Or else.
10. Shrek Forever After, BBC1, 7.30pm. 30 December
Hey Shrek, Eastenders is coming on at 9pm thanks to you. Hope you’re happy.
11. One of the many Carry On films.
They start on 22 December on ITV3 (who watches ITV3?!) and go on until 28 December. That will keep your nan happy.
12. Love Actually, ITV, 10.45pm. 25 December
Three things I don’t want to see at Christmas. Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and a romcom.